Retreats

Music is usually playing in the BIllingsley household. Well actually always. Cade especially had a deep love of music. More often than not he would go around singing at the top of his lungs. Sometimes he would randomly sing a serenade for you and make you feel like the song was written just for you.
Not only did he love music but he had a wide range of favorites and he knew all the words. He gets this from his Daddy.
He would usually have a favorite song that he would have on repeat.
Some of these included “Sweet Caroline”, “Fly me to the Moon”, “Lean on me” and almost every song by Nirvana and Pearl Jam.
When he was nine, one summer his favorite song was “ I’ll Fly Away”. He would sing it over and over. He was frustrated that no one would sing old hymns in church anymore. So we sang it at home- a lot. His favorite version was by Alan Jackson. He especially liked to sing “In the morning” in the deepest voice possible for a nine year old boy.
I have a special memory of lying on the trampoline one summer day looking up at the clouds and singing this song with him. I remember him saying “ Mom, listen to the words of this song. We WILL go to a place where our joy will never end. AND we get to fly to get there. Isn’t that going to be awesome?” Caden always had a deeper understanding of Heaven than anyone I knew.
I wish we had thought to sing this song at his service. We were in such shock after the accident that I could only think of Caden’s latest worship hits at the time. I didn’t think about his favorites from long ago.
So now, on days when I am feeling sad. I find myself sitting on his balcony singing this song accapella picturing my boy on God’s celestial shore reminding myself that just a few more weary days and then I too will “fly away”.

When Caden was ten we were headed to a mission trip in Greece with a layover in London. We had issues with the takeoff and left Austin later than we anticipated.
This meant that when we landed at Heathrow that we had to sprint to make our connecting flight to Athens. I am sure we looked liked the crazy family in the movies sprinting through the airport dropping things and frantically trying to make our flight.
Caden looks at me and Rob and confidently says “ I’ve got this. I will run ahead and hold the plane for us.”and with that he took off at full speed.
Without an opportunity to respond, he was out of my sight. I started to panic. What 10 year old can make his way across Heathrow airport alone? I started questioning our parenting for allowing him to run ahead. Doubt and shame started flooding my thoughts. I was a mess as we raced through the airport lugging our suitcases.
We finally made it to our gate. There stood Caden with the biggest smile on his face. His bright eyes shining with pride. He was delighted that he reached his goal. He held the plane for us and he was so excited to welcome us aboard.
I think of this memory often. It is a memory that I revisit to make it through my hard days. It reminds me that Jesus has rescued me and my boy. Caden has just once again rushed ahead of us on our journey. Jesus made a way for us to be together again in eternity.
I have to battle my doubt, worry, fear and shame and remind myself that my boy has already reached the gate. He is safe and secure with Jesus. And one day we find him waiting to greet us at the gate. With his bright smile shining from ear to ear, he will joyfully usher us in to heaven wondering what took us so long to catch up. Thank you Jesus for your love so that we have the hope of heaven. 10 months closer sweet boy.

I found a poem that Caden wrote his first week in fifth grade. As a way to get to know the students, the teacher had them write a Bio poem.

Caden
Fun, Smart, kind
Who enjoys playing outside and serving the Lord
Who is able to serve the Lord
Who feels joy when he serves the Lord and plays
Who wonders if you can sleep in heaven
Who fears that not enough people know the Lord
Who cares about his family
Who dreams of flying

So much of this poem is so very Caden. I love how many times he references serving the Lord but he also includes that he likes to play. Caden was always an advocate of play. But what I have been thinking all day is Caden’s fear…Not enough people know the Lord. Isn’t that a fear that should keep us all awake at night? Is that something that most of us even consider? We spend so much of our time anxious and afraid. But most of those fears are driven by our own selfish desires.
On a car ride home from school one day, Cade told me that if we truly believed what we say we believe as Christians, we should be sharing the gospel with everyone we know. Otherwise could we truly call ourselves loving? In other words if we have experienced the love of Jesus, why would we not share that hope with everyone we know?
If you were given any opportunity to be with Caden, he made sure that you heard the good news of the gospel.
My Caden wanted to be a missionary and in his own way, he already reached that goal. He shared the gospel with a lot of people in his short fifteen years. I believe the Lord is still using his story today to draw people closer to Him. Caden would absolutely love that.
As we head into this holiday season, I challenge you to share the hope of heaven with your family and friends. Don’t believe the lies of Satan. It may feel uncomfortable at first but it is the most loving thing we can do. Caden LOVED his family. That was his motivation and it should be ours too.
As for the rest of Caden’s poem- do we sleep in heaven? Caden has his answer. And I guarantee he has figured out a way to fly. I am sure he will be full of surprises when we are reunited.
I miss you so much my smart, fun, and kind boy.
One Day Closer.

Ever since Caden was little, he loved to dance. Starting as a toddler, he went through a break dancing phase that lasted several years. There were multiple dance routines and performances specifically choreographed by his two older sisters.
Caden was often the life of the party. He created a Spotify playlist to have ready for his impromptu dance parties.
So it was no surprise to me when he was excited for his first school dance in eighth grade.
When I picked him up several hours after the dance, he hopped into the car with his big smile all over his face.
I wanted to know all the details but knew I needed to play it cool and chose a couple of questions carefully.
“Did you dance?”
He gave me one of his big laughs and responded ,“That is why they call it a dance Mom. Of course I danced.”
Then I asked “Did you dance WITH anyone?”
He responded with a simple “yes.”
This was eating me up. I needed more details. I was used to my girls who gave me all the scoop.
“Who did you dance with?”
He responded with “several people.”
“ You danced with more than one girl?”
“Yes. “
“How many?”
“Eighteen”
“18 girls?“
“Yes. I wanted to dance with more but I ran out of time. I think every girl deserves to feel treasured and special . Every girl should get asked to dance. So I asked them. All of them.”
My heart just exploded with love for my boy. This was so very Caden.
When the girls went to school, we planned to take dance lessons together. We had big plans for our mother/ son dance at his wedding one day. He wanted to choreograph the whole thing.
But instead. I wait. I will wait for the day when I will finally get that dance. The day he meets me at the pearly gates with a huge smile on his face.
Until then, I will do my best to honor my boy by making each person I encounter feel treasured and chosen. Just like Caden did.
Ecc. 3:4 says “There is a time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance.”
The last six months have been full of weeping and mourning. But there have been some laughs too. And I know there will come dancing. Caden wouldn’t want it any other way.
One day closer.

Madi’s senior year she and Caden spent a lot of time together. The two of them got exceptionally close and spent many evenings going on gas station runs, heading to Whataburger for a treat or just taking late night drives listening to music with the windows rolled down. As we came to the end of her senior year, I kept thinking about how Caden was handling it all so well. Finally, it was time for Madi’s senior tribute at school. Kinley had written a beautiful tribute to Madi about what she meant to each of us and how much we were all going to miss her when she went away to Pepperdine. I looked over to see big tears streaming down Caden’s face. Without a word, he reached over and he grabbed my hand and gave me a squeeze. Afterward, the two of us clung to each other crying. As I pulled away, I told him that I understood exactly what he was feeling. I will never forget how he responded. He said “I was so busy being happy for her that I forgot to be sad for me.”
Little did I know then that I would look back on this moment and think about that statement daily. Five months without you seems unbearable. But I have been in the word daily reading about eternity and trying to imagine all the majesty and beauty that you are experiencing now. Isn’t that what love is about? Philippians 2:3 says “ “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but to the interests of others.”
So ‭‭I am trying my best Caden to model what you taught me.
I am trying to be ‘so happy for you that I forget to be sad for me”.
One day closer.

June 16, 2018, we were on the shore of the Aegean Sea baptizing Caden. Caden wanted to be baptized on the mission field with his refugee friends to witness- he said the best way to teach them was to show them.
God showed up big that evening as we enjoyed a holy moment watching our boy proclaiming his faith in our Father before family and friends. God sent a beautiful rainbow and fireworks into the sky that evening. Caden was sure God made it all happen for him. Looking at that rainbow, I thanked God for His faithfulness and His promises. Never did I think that five years later- June 16, 2023 Rob and I would be baptizing one of Kinley’s dear friends in the DR while Caden would be gazing at a different rainbow encircling the throne of heaven. (REV 4:3)
I am trying to cling to that beautiful reminder of a rainbow. God does keep his promises. Many of God’s promises are for our worst times. In Isaiah 61 verse 3, He promises “to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”
Baptizing Briana while we were in the DR on the fifth anniversary of Caden’s baptism felt like a little glimpse of this promise. Seeing the beauty of Briana choosing a life with Christ among our ashes of grief reminded me that sometimes the promises are forming alongside the grief. It isn’t a complete exchange of one in place of the other but more of morphing of the two - beauty among the ashes. God’s promises settle alongside the pain to strengthen us to bear the burden. I pray daily to find beauty among our ashes in simple ways such as lifting my feeble arms in worship, mouthing the words of a worship song trying to convince myself of the truths being sung or focusing my tear stained eyes towards heaven.
Even though my circumstances have drastically changed in the past few months, the beautiful thing about God is He has not changed. His promises have not changed either. He is still the promise keeper. Lord, help me to trust you and your promises. Beauty for ashes. Joy for mourning. Praise for despair. One day closer.

Prayer isn’t meant to be a Christmas wish list written to God. It is actually quite the opposite. It designed as a means of laying down our life as an offering to God. We are saying my life is yours, my time, my heart, my thoughts, my worries, my faith- here they are Lord. All of me so that I may participate in the work of God.
So many times we may brush off the significance of our prayers. But no prayer is too small to make it to the throne room of God.
The day after Caden died, I started reading Caden’s intercessory prayers for his friends, classmates, family and even for people he never met. The humanness in me immediately thought how sad my boy wasn’t here to continue these prayers. That somehow these prayers had been cutoff too quickly like the life of my boy. But God quickly revealed the lie in that line of thinking. I ran across the name of a classmate. Makel… my mind was desperately searching for why Caden was praying for Makel. They were not close friends and then I realized he always kept a running list of people needing to accept His Savior. Makel was the last person on this list.
The following day at chapel my husband spoke to the student body. 18 people gave their lives to Christ that day in our community. The first on that list was… Makel.
She had no idea Caden acted as an intercessor for this very movement of God. Jesus does the same for us. He is constantly at the right hand of God interceding and praying for us. (Romans 8:34)
The Psalmist describes our prayers as an incense ( Psalms 141:1) Incense seems to only last a minute but the fragrance lingers. The effects far outlive the burning itself.
So it is true of Caden’s prayers. Of our prayers. They far outlive these earthly bodies of ours.
What is even more beautiful is that two weeks later, I was able to baptize Makel in our swimming pool. Our prayers are never wasted. Every word uttered in the name of Jesus makes it to the ears and heart of Jesus who is eager and ready to present them as an intercessor for us to the Lord. (Revelation 8:3-4) I encourage you to make a list of people needing to know your Savior. Jesus longs for you to ask. One day closer.

In the car on our way to Ignite this week, Madi prayed a prayer that Caden prayed often when we met together as a family.
“Lord help me love others through not only my actions but also my reactions.”
I will never forget the first time I heard him pray this prayer. He was probably in fourth grade and I just had a big talk with him about fighting with one of his sisters. As a Christian, we talk a lot about our actions but not much about our reactions.
Caden understood that what happens to us is not as important as our reaction to it. This is a lesson that I am wading through daily right now in my grief.
One thing that I have learned in the last five weeks is how little we actually can control. However, we can always control how we react.
As a society, we like to react. Some people flock to social media to not only see what people post but to see how others react to that post. We often feel like our reactions are justified. The problem is that our natural reaction to most circumstances usually stem from our flesh. If I am depending on Kristi’s natural reaction to a difficult circumstance, it will be ugly. However, if we are intentional to make those spiritual deposits by spending time in scripture and prayer, the Holy Spirit can fill us and bear fruit with reactions of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. (Gal 5.22) These are not reactions that come naturally but with God’s spirit we bear supernatural reactions.
The things that troubles us will pass in time, but our reactions can have eternal consequences.
Caden read a Proverb a day starting in January. On January 10th, Caden copied Proverbs 10:12 in his journal “Hatred stirs up conflict but love covers all wrongs” He wrote several great notes about the verse but finished with writing “Today I will respond with love.”
A daily choice. An intentional prayer. Today let’s respond in love. “Lord help me love others through not only my actions but also my reactions.” One day closer.